A breaking heart

Note: I wrote this entry earlier this week and debated whether to post it or not. I decided to post it so you could help pray for and with us.

******************************




We have been having some issues lately at the orphanage that I am not going to get into. Because I am struggling with these issues, I can say there are times that I feel like we should pack it up and go back home because we are not doing any good. However…………………………………I can’t and I won’t. I see the faces of the kids when I close my eyes. I can’t leave Mphatso who is 5 years old and just lost her first tooth. Her brother, Yamikani, is quiet but takes everything in. He was very concerned about his sister because she was not being taken care of and was begging at the market. He kept begging Esther to take her. I see Makiswelo’s face and the look of fear yet excitement when we took him out for the first time and how clumsy he was walking in his first pair of shoes. I see Chisomo’s face, who always looks sad. Every time she comes close to us we know what she wants…….she wants a hug. I see Patuma who begged us to buy her a dress so she could be in John’s wedding and how she glowed when she danced up the aisle. I see Miriam, who is quiet but recently started opening up to us. I see Chifundo’s face when she tries to hide from me and I go up and tickle her. I see Memory’s face when we shake our fingers at each other and say, “tsk, tsk, tsk”. I see Betty saying to me every morning, “Good morning Mom. How are you today?” I see Esau, who was so excited when we bought him a pair of used trousers at the market. He was thrilled that we noticed him and thought we were at the orphanage for other kids, not him. I see Christina and her huge eyes that just melt right through you. I see Rhoda and the laughter in her eyes when her friends tease her because she eats so slowly. I see Fliman, who is at least 17 and in our equivalent of 4th grade because he never had the opportunity to go to school but is a great leader, so creative and willing to help anyone. I see the sparkle in Panganani’s eyes, when he grabbed Erle’s hand in Limbe on one of our shopping sprees and his excitement when he plays with the blocks Jamie brought. I see Joyce who is thrilled when I bring her bottle caps off our drinks. She plays a game with them. I see the three older boys we took to lunch who had never been to a restaurant before. Since they are used to eating with their fingers, the floor under our table had more food on it than was in their stomachs because they were trying to eat with forks for the first time. I see the faces of the numerous kids who have ridden in our car and didn’t know how to open the door when it was time to exit. I see the faces of the kids who are so excited to get a soft drink and a donut when we take them out with us. Even if the donut is stale, it makes no difference to them. It is a huge treat - something most of them have never had. Sometimes, they get a drink at Christmas. Imagine your only Christmas present being a soft drink and you were thrilled to death.

However, the Lord is faithful. He placed us here for a reason and the reason is for the kids, we know that. The rest of the “stuff” is just “stuff”. It is garbage being thrown in our way to take our focus off why we are here. Please pray for us as we are struggling emotionally right now. We love the kids at the orphanage as if they were our own and it breaks my heart to think of our life without them.

Father God,
We worship you and praise you. We know that you called us to this country to love your children. You created all of us and we are your children – we are all family. Because of that, there are no orphans at the orphanage, only our brothers and sisters, sons and daughters and we thank you for giving us the opportunity to be part of this wonderful, yet sometimes frustrating family here in Malawi. Lord, I ask for an open heart, guidance and discernment when dealing with difficult people or difficult situations. Lord, you are the great counselor and I look to you for wisdom. Help us to remember not to look at things through our humanly eyes see but to seek your word for direction. I ask that you help us keep our focus on you and not be distracted by the junk thrown in front of us. With you Lord, all things are possible. I pray all of these things in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen.